10 basic concepts to learn to seduce

Meaning of seduce: Seduction is a necessary art not only in the field of love but in many others, such as work, friendship, fraternal and maternal… And it is because seduction is the gateway to love, as necessary as essential for our well-being.

Seducing means being able to exhibit one’s own virtues from the impulse generated by the desire that is born within us at a certain moment and to obtain someone or something that attracts us. Contrary to what many believe, in this process, often considered an art, intelligence and psychology play a more important role than beauty. We must understand seduction as a process that requires a set of steps and considerations that we have tried to detail below:

1. Take the initiative.
Love seduction is a matter of two people. Fortunately, times have changed and we have already left behind the role that attributed a more passive role to women and the art of conquest was limited to men. With this statement we do not want to deny that there are still certain gender differences, but rather to show that the ideal seduction is bidirectional and can be initiated by women and men indistinctly. Also, that the responsibility that progresses and ends up generating a quality connection between both people is the responsibility of both parties. Therefore, we encourage you to take the initiative when you feel attracted to a person and to pay attention to “how” you will do it in order to seduce them.

2. Value your authenticity.
A good car concept, being proud of who we are and what we do and knowing how to value those elements that make us unique, is undoubtedly attractive. Unique and authentic personalities are seductive. Therefore, we must take care of elements such as the image we project, the content of what we say and the security we show. By this we do not mean that we have to invent a kind of perfect and attractive character that is far from who we really are, but rather to work with ourselves in order to like ourselves. Thus, we will gain self-esteem, an essential element for the success of any seduction process. In short, to seduce others, you must first seduce yourself. Along these lines, we take the opportunity to recommend the reading Sedúcete para seducir by Eva Bach and Pere Darder.

3. Assume who you are, with your strengths and with those that you cannot objectively change.
We are all who we are, with our virtues and our points to improve. It is obvious that working to improve is recommended, but it is also true that learning to be good with ourselves does not imply seeking perfection. Seduction happens by being able to exhibit our virtues while accepting naturally what we cannot change. A very clear example is the issue of height. Nobody can change this physical aspect and the only way so that it is not a limitation is acceptance.

4. Treat the other person as equals and make them feel good.
Seduction involves showing our authenticity, as we have said, but also by being interested in the person in front of us. It is as simple as taking interest in knowing her, asking her about her tastes and aspirations, practicing active listening, empathizing with her … In short, trying to generate good communication that, little by little, builds a bond between you.

5. Yes, to the intelligent sense of humor.
Making the other person laugh does not fail. When we laugh with another person, our brains secrete neurochemicals (serotonin, endorphins, etc.), related to pleasure and well-being. For this reason, the sense of humor generates attraction. In fact, we could say that, in general, we are attracted to people, activities and situations that we find fun and interesting. However, the sense of humor should not be a constant, because it also gets tired and loses its effect if we stop braking. We must use a sense of humor adapted to the person in front of us and according to our values ​​and way of being, both in terms of quantity and quality. Certain jokes may be very fond of some people and totally counterproductive to others.

6. Take care of non-verbal language.
We could say that attraction is the energy that arises from a set of elements that have to do not so much with “what” we say or do but with “how” we say or do it. Elements such as:

  • Eye contact is one of the most important weapons of seduction. Being able to fix our gaze on the eyes of someone who is attractive to us denotes a lot of confidence and security, elements that are attractive. Get eye contact with a person we are interested in, keep it for a while or determined and then withdrawing it with subtlety, generates an indisputable impact. In the course of a conversation, maintaining eye contact brings us closer to the other person, makes them feel special and, consequently, brings us closer to them.
  • The smile allows us to convey sympathy and positive emotions and, therefore, is a very efficient way to captivate. When a person smiles, he reaches his maximum level of beauty because he projects happiness and well-being and this projection generates positive feelings in others.
  • The posture. There are many studies that relate body position to certain messages that are interpreted by everyone in the same way, since they are part of our socialization. For example, while the crossed arms show closeness and distance, if we lean slightly towards the other person we are showing interest and proximity. A proper body position also enhances our physical appearance.
  • Tone of voice. A moderate, caring tone of voice that seeks to connect and caress is, at the very least, pleasant; And it can be exciting too.
  • The silences. Knowing how to manage breaks is also a good way to keep the attention of the person in front of us, generate interest and create expectations. Silences also convey emotions that we can subtly convey to our partner, accompanied by smiles, drooping eyes and other gestures, hands, for example.
  • Body odor is decisive when distances are shortened. We must take care of and enhance this element, with good hygiene and selecting a pleasant fragrance that is in line with our personality.
  • Subtle physical contact. It is very useful to accompany our verbal, body and voice messages with small doses of physical contact. Offering a hand to get down from a high place, accompanying the couple by putting a hand on their waist when we want to give way or gently grasp their forearm to fix their attention, these are small gestures that offer us a closer approach.

7. Generate positive feelings.
We have already pointed out some very useful elements when it comes to generating positive feelings, such as applying a sense of humor or being interested in the person we want to seduce; but there is more. It is convenient to be attentive to the language we use and the topics we address, especially on first dates. The language we use says a lot about us. In fact, if we pay attention, we will immediately see if it is a positive or negative language, for example. Emphasizing difficulties and venting through traumatic life episodes lowers the mood of the person in front of us and, therefore, acts as a brake on seduction. With this we do not mean that we do not have the right to share everything with our partner, but that we do not have to do it from the beginning.

8. Don’t be in a hurry, enjoy every step.
A common mistake is to show our expectations and / or intentions from the beginning (I want to be a father, I want to have sex…), often causing the blockage of who we have in front of us. The connection or bond that is established during the seduction process is fragile and it is convenient to move forward in a certain way but always bearing in mind that each person is different and that we must be attentive to the signals we receive from the other person to adjust our interactions . Even if the goal of the seduction is only sporadic sexual contact, not being in a hurry and being attentive to the needs of the other person will increase the degree of satisfaction of both people.

9. Don’t show yourself “needy”!
The terms need and seduction are opposite. If we transmit despair, we will cause the other person to withdraw, since her interest in us will be reduced and, in addition, we can make her feel pressured. It is about that the other person does not perceive that we need them but rather to generate in them, little by little, the desire to be with us.

10. Create a little mystery.
If you are completely predictable, it may happen that you stop being interesting. The mystery is attractive to people, because of not always knowing what will come next … This idea is not contrary to transparency, but rather goes along the lines of continuing to maintain your spaces, for example. Simple and everyday actions such as going for a walk on the beach at night or very early in the morning without prior notice or leaving a simple note will break the predictability of our actions, for example. Undertaking a new project (travel, training, work …) will make our partner feel attracted to a new area of ​​our life and all the growth that it will bring us. In no case is it about doing things to keep the couple disoriented but to fill our time beyond this with life. Being available can always be detrimental to the health of the relationship and of own well-being.

Finally, we would like to emphasize that between the initial attraction and the formation of a stable couple there is a long road that requires generating a bond between the two people. We could say that this link can start from an initial physical connection but that it is only established if we achieve an emotional connection with the other person. You can also go the other way: establish an emotional connection to which you end up adding the physical connection, necessary in any love relationship. Be that as it may, if the ultimate goal of attraction goes beyond falling in love and therefore seeks to achieve love, we must be prepared and willing to give and receive in equal parts, to invest time and effort in ourselves and in the other person. We all have the capacity to love, but generally we make the mistake of seeking to be loved first. Maybe because we don’t have to try so hard, maybe so as not to fall into disappointment … Stable couples are built when two people who love themselves decide to open up to each other to give and receive, for the benefit of their “us.” “, which is much more powerful than the sum of the two” I “and that is being built little by little…

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The dictatorship of beauty and the “feeling”

What is human beauty? Have we always been guided by the same canons? Why, in general terms, is it difficult for us to know how to age? Why do more doors open to people with beauty? Why does a baby that is pretty receive more attention than one that is not so pretty? Why are so many people not comfortable with their bodies? Why are eating disorders affecting more and more people?

Have we stopped to think what makes us programmed to not approve of our physical appearance? Yes, surely advertising is the main responsible, for the fact of offering us what we want to consume. But of course, advertising pursues, in economic terms, precisely this: to show what people are supposed to want to see … Seen like this, it seems that we are in a kind of vicious circle from which we cannot get out… But, once moreover, the answer is overloaded and undervalued education. We must educate our minors and re-educate the elderly so that we have a critical view of all the audiovisual material we consume and, little by little, widen the narrow vision that we often have about what human beauty is.

Human beauty must go beyond measurements, features, height and weight, an age group, the color of skin, hair or eyes… Beauty is and must be seen as a whole. Because physical beauty is ephemeral but beauty in capital letters, the one that values ​​the person as a whole, not only does not disappear but can grow over time. Experience makes us wiser and wisdom is also beauty. And there is no stronger connection than the one that is sustained by elements that are not perishable, aspects that are not seen with the naked eye and that make up everything that a person really is.

We often fall into the error of reducing the “feeling” to merely physical beauty and, automatically, we approach people who either may reject us or may have little to offer us and, even, may not awaken this affective sexual connection, of unknown formula. In the same way, they alienate us from people with whom we could establish a much deeper connection, just because some physical element does not suit our expectations, often based on social prejudices: the man must be taller than the woman, the woman He must be younger, the man must be strong, the woman feminine, a few extra pounds is not welcome, the bald better than not …

So, how can we escape from this dictatorship of beauty and open ourselves to connecting with the real beauty of people, which is often the one that we do not see with the naked eye? We have tried to summarize it like this:

  1. Accept and love ourselves for who we are as a whole, outside and inside. Highlight what we like about ourselves and relativize what we don’t like so much. This point is not at odds with taking care of ourselves to feel better about ourselves, obviously.
  2. Review what we understand by beauty. Beautiful eyes do not always have to be large, they can be small and expressive; Sensual lips do not always have to be full, they can be small and sweet; attractive hands do not always have to be big and slender, they can be small and soft…
  3. Be realistic and lower expectations. The model of the billboard is not an option. Pretend that wrinkles do not make an appearance after a certain age, systematically reject gray hair and baldness, either … Let’s not confuse this lowering of expectations with being with someone who is not attractive to us. It has to do with finding someone attractive because we have opened ourselves to discovering them in their entirety and regardless of the prejudices that we may have.
  4. Value people based on how we feel about them. The connection or feeling rarely appears at first glance. We must approach, smell, touch, feel…
  5. Take the time and effort to bond. Every relationship requires the formation of a bond and this is not created either immediately or without dedication. This “effort” does not have to do with forcing oneself, but with opening up to the other. It has to do with giving the best of oneself, with listening, being interested in the other person, sharing … And all this means opening up to communicate, an essential part of human relationships that today we are sacrificing based on Whatsapps and emoticons… But this would be another topic…

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Looking for a partner: a learning opportunity

This article is aimed at those people who do not have a partner and want to have one. Those who do not have and do not want it can scrutinize other learning paths; if they want, of course. That said, we will start by reflecting on two false beliefs that, far from getting close to the goal of finding a partner, keep us away:

  1. Love comes when it has to. Or not… Although it is obvious, if we wait for the love of our life to ring the doorbell, it is most likely that this will never happen and, nevertheless, many people repeat this idea as a “mantra “That not only does not advance them but also exonerates them of the responsibility of making the necessary changes to achieve the goal of meeting someone interesting.
  2. I want someone who loves me and accepts me as I am. This statement, like the previous one, keeps us from finding a partner and also goes against change understood as personal growth and constant improvement. Using the affirmation that concerns us places us in immobility, in the famous phrase of “I am like that and I will never change” of the well-known Alaska.

Neither love comes alone, neither by chance nor to accept us with many aspects to correct. Luckily, we have left behind those times when people, quite homogenized by the way, married in an agreed manner and without considering what they would contribute to each other. Luckily, nowadays relationships no longer have to be for life and, luckily, people enjoy a universal education that makes us more or less free, at least of thought, and we can choose how we want to be and what kind of people do we want to surround ourselves with. But even so, it is difficult for us to realize that if things do not go our way, we have to start by seeing what changes can bring us closer to our goals. In other words, if we do things in a certain way and we do not get what we want, we must review how we can improve, what we should do differently. And it is in the line of making this series of changes, that below we collect some brushstrokes that can serve for reflection:

  1. Check if you offer what you demand. We all want to have happy, constructive, communicative, empathic, flexible people by our side … And the question would be: Am I like that? Do I offer this to others? We also give importance to the physical, of course. But have we ever stopped to think that if we don’t like ourselves, we probably won’t like others either? It is very forceful but no less true. Acceptance of oneself does not go through resigning oneself to the changes that may occur to us (weight gain, hair loss …). Self-acceptance consists of taking care of our body so that, respecting its morphology, it is healthy, ready to enjoy; take care of it so that we like it and, by extension, our potential partner.
  2. Evaluate how you think. We are what we think but we can change what we think as many times as necessary until what we think brings us well-being. Well-being will be brought to us by those thoughts gestated from optimism, enthusiasm, illusion …, to the detriment of fear and mistrust.
  3. Are you generous enough? Love is generosity, altruism. So let’s start by giving. All seduction process is just that, a process. If we are attracted to a person it is much better to put our energy into seducing them than in checking if we have already seduced them. Sometimes we want to run too much, to know if the falling in love has occurred or not, to measure the degree of commitment of the other / a … What do we gain by doing this? Generally nothing. To remove the person who suddenly stops feeling seduced and starts to feel evaluated, put pressure … By this we do not mean that relationships have to be unequal, obviously. There comes a time when there must be a balance between what is given and what is received. A balance that is often not reached because they have not been generous enough from the beginning and our insecurities have already played their part…
  4. How do you experience “failures”? Americans understand failure as success, because they see it as a determined attempt to achieve a goal. In order to experience failures from this perspective, it is convenient that we demand ourselves to analyze where we have failed and that we propose to learn something new. Each relationship that ends, we must take it as an opportunity to learn and if we do so, we will be closer to the desired relationship. In other words, it is about not considering ourselves victims (“Why has it happened to me?”) And licking our wounds without making changes, quite the opposite.
  5. Do you know how to express / manage your emotions? Most conflicts, both internal and in relation to others, occur due to a lack of intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. We have all the existing knowledge at a “click” and we know a lot about procedures (how to do things) but we often fail in self-knowledge and social skills. If we become aware that we have deficiencies in this area, psychological help is more than recommended because no matter how much we know and know how to do, if we are not “we” we will not feel happy and if we do not feel happy we will not be able to attract positive, constructive relationships…

To finish, one last reflection: having a partner is like happiness: it should not be a destination but a path, as Gandhi said; but in any case a path in which the same stones are not always found, but in which we are planting flowers, as the poet Cora Coralina pointed out.

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And after the first date, what?

The first date can go from very good to bad, going through a whole group of nuances; space where most of them are. Below we have tried to answer the question of the title of the article; the first date what?, placing ourselves in the different possibilities:

1) love at first sight

Love at first sight is an unrealistic expectation, being unlikely. Although this does not mean that it cannot happen … If it happens, we have to be careful, because this love at first sight may or may not be reciprocated and, depending on how we act, the situation may evolve in one direction or another. If the other person attracts you from the start, she tries to maintain a sufficient level of tension to be able to interact appropriately. This means: do not overreact, do not fall into monologues that can bore her or miss the opportunity to truly know the person in front of you. Be that as it may, if the person we have met we really liked, it is advisable not to let things cool, but to avoid behaving impulsively and insistently. If the first date has been real, face to face, it does not make much sense to interact excessively without leaving the comfort zone of WhatsApp conversations. Sometimes these lead us to the realm of superficiality and automatic responses. We therefore recommend that the proposal to share a second real experience take place shortly, without forcing things … This proposal can come from any of you; It seems obvious, but it is not. Sometimes it happens that both people expect to receive a show of interest from the other and in the end neither of them takes the step.

2) My time has flown by and we have many things in common but there is a “but”…

This scenario is the most frequent. You have found yourself before a person who has most of the ingredients that you consider essential but with some little thing that does not quite fit you … Or maybe everything fits but the necessary connection (feeling) has not emerged in a love relationship? Whether it is one thing or the other, a second date is more than recommended. The first dates are not easy, it is difficult to be relaxed and to be able to express yourself naturally … Sometimes, it can also happen that we project an image that does not quite fit our usual style, due to the fact that we wanted to fix more than the account for the day in question. For all this and much more, meeting again will help you determine if this “little thing” is decisive or not and, also, to experiment if the chemistry arises or not. For this second date to provide you with the necessary information to decide whether or not the love relationship has a future, we want to suggest that it take place in a well-cared environment, just as we have tried for the first date. Do not rush, remaining if you take care of when and how. Propose him to live an experience together that you might like … A mountain bike outing, a walk on the beach that ends with some tapas by the sea, a visit to an exhibition on a theme that you are passionate about, the premiere of a musical, attend to a sports competition …

3) The person is objectively compatible with me but I have not felt well.

This is, fortunately, the least frequent assumption. Although we find it uncomfortable, it is quite easy to manage. It is simply a matter of clearly but politely closing the open chapter with the person we have met. When we say clearly we do not mean to express in depth what we did not like (or dislike) but to be clear in our positioning. We can use generic and clarifying phrases like: “We have shared a nice dinner, but I see clearly that you are not the type of person I am looking for.” If we find ourselves with some insistence (frequent WhatsApp, for example), we recommend thinking of a more forceful message like: “I am not interested in establishing any kind of relationship with you, I would appreciate it if you do not write me more”

To finish, we want to emphasize that it is important to live naturally any of the assumptions. We must understand that knowing how to go through the emotions we feel before, during and after our appointment, is part of the process to find the person we really want by our side. Each appointment is an experience that helps us clarify what we want and learn to pass the necessary filters. You have to live it, then, as an opportunity. Love will come after any of the opportunities that we allow ourselves to live, be it through one of our blind dates or any other experience that we decide to take advantage of. Remember: Blind Dating is one more way to seek love. If you want, we will help you!

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Decalogue for the success of the first date

We could say many things about Anaïs Nin, a Franco-American writer (1903-1977) and we would surely fall into many contradictions. Her love life was dizzying and while for some she may be a symbol of sexual liberation, for others she was a person with a sex addiction that was not experienced as such by Anaïs herself by legitimizing her from the “me” deeper into it. Be that as it may, Anaïs Nin has left us in her legacy a phrase that gives us a lot: “Things are not as they are, but as we are”. This “as we are”, although it has an essence that lasts a lifetime, it should not be immutable. People have to evolve, learn, transform ourselves … Any process of change can be a starting point for this personal evolution towards a better version of ourselves. Therefore, we could say that the success of a first date begins long before it takes place …

1) Know how I am and what I want
When we look for a partner, not just any person does well. Depending on the personal moment in which we are, we may be interested in a more or less stable relationship. This we must bear in mind ourselves, but also the person we are meeting must know. Defining our interests helps us not to choose badly, not to invest time in relationships that cannot provide us with what we need at all times. Ultimately, it is about knowing how we are and what we want in order to choose who we want by our side and for what … It seems very ambitious but it is not so ambitious. Sometimes it is enough to identify two or three essential aspects for us and open ourselves to knowing a person who can offer them to us. For example: a mountain lover, who wants to have children soon and who is open to living in a rural environment.

2) constructive thinking
Let’s place ourselves in the moment before the first date. We may have a lot, little or almost no information about the person we will meet. Be that as it may, a high mental activity is assured, making assumptions about how the person will be, how the appointment will go, how we can dress, how to act if we like it, if not … It is normal to have this internal debate, but pay attention to the tone of it. If our thinking is negative, pessimistic and catastrophic, we are conditioning ourselves that our first date is a disaster. On the contrary, if our thinking is positive and constructive, we will be approaching the appointment with a greater probability of success. It is not that we are deceiving ourselves, but that what we will project to the person will be more or less pleasant depending on our previous interior experience. Can you imagine what a disaster not to be able to seduce a person that we have found charming because from the outset we have transmitted some not very positive vibes, due to our negative thinking before the date? It can happen, because …

3) The first impression is generated during the first 30 seconds
From Blind Dates we always say it: “There are no two opportunities to create a good first impression” … So, try to arrive at the appointment having parked your fears and negative thoughts and projecting a good image and personal security.

4) Physical appearance is the gateway
We all know that what is truly important in people is inside but also that if there is no physical attraction we cannot speak of a loving partner but of friendship. Therefore, try to dress to make a good impression. Personal hygiene, clothing that corresponds to us and a fragrance appropriate to the occasion are enough. Avoid projecting what you are not. You can exploit your sensuality within your usual style.

5) Verbal and non-verbal language
Do not be obsessed with not leaving any space of time in silence. The looks, the smiles, a gesture of shyness, .. All these elements are also language; a very powerful language that, at times, seduces more than a few words well said. Pay attention to your gestures, body position, eye contact, and, if relevant, physical contact. When we speak of physical contact, we do not mean a sexual approach but rather those small interactions that we will or will not do depending on whether we perceive that they are well received. We are talking about contacts such as: accompanying the couple to pass with a light contact on the arm or waist, helping them to put on their jacket, touching their arm as a symbol of focusing attention and / or establishing proximity … Try not to put yourself defensively, neither with words nor with gesture. Don’t think bad. If a comment puzzles or bothers you, let the emotion pass and later ask calmly what is not clear to you. Your partner is not passing any exam, try to enjoy it and not feel questioned or judged.

6) The ice breaks between the two
Do not load your responsibility to break the ice on your own. The first moments can be filled by smiling, making comments about what the environment is like and how you have come to have that first date. Then you have to show interest towards the other person without falling into a police questioning… Remember to show yourself as you are but without falling into exaggeration, neither with words nor with gestures. Don’t let your nerves make you overreact…

7) Explosive combination: conversation, sense of humor and flirting …
A conversation is like a tennis match, the ball goes from one player to another without being too entertained, with a more or less regular rhythm. There are balls that go higher, others that touch the net, balls that go outside and have to be collected, balls that cannot cross to the other side of the field, balls that get lost … And in each of these interactions we can mix small doses of humor, smiles, drooping eyes and “emoticons” of all kinds. Flirting can be made space as the conversation progresses and trust is generated.

8) Forbidden topics (in depth)
As a general rule, one should not talk about former partners. Neither of the mother or father of the children, if any. It is a time to talk about the two of you and not about third parties. This does not mean that if we are asked a question we should refuse to answer it or that we have to get defensive, but it is advisable to give a short and closed answer and then elegantly change the subject. It is not advisable to touch life episodes marked by traumatic events on a first date. Neither is talking about politics, religion or football. At least in a heated way. They are areas in which emotion and reason debate each other and can lead us to undesirable tense situations on a first date.

9) Strengths and originality
Once the ice-breaking stage and the more general topics of knowledge have been passed, you have to try to awaken the interest of the other person. We can do it by sharing some particularity that makes us unique. We can talk about our solidarity, adventurous, self-taught side … Try not to become a monologue. Pay attention to the questions that the other person may ask you about it and do not forget to be interested in their contributions.

10) Enjoy the moment and … forget about your mobile!
For a date to go well requires concentration on the person and in the present moment. Looking at your mobile from time to time is, apart from disrespect, an element of distraction that will make you lose connection with the person in front of you. If you can not resist passing “the part” to a friend or friend you can escape to the bathroom for a little while. This coming and going will also be part of the appointment. Your partner will take the opportunity to get a general idea of ​​your physical appearance and way of walking.

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