Looking for a partner: a learning opportunity

This article is aimed at those people who do not have a partner and want to have one. Those who do not have and do not want it can scrutinize other learning paths; if they want, of course. That said, we will start by reflecting on two false beliefs that, far from getting close to the goal of finding a partner, keep us away:

  1. Love comes when it has to. Or not… Although it is obvious, if we wait for the love of our life to ring the doorbell, it is most likely that this will never happen and, nevertheless, many people repeat this idea as a “mantra “That not only does not advance them but also exonerates them of the responsibility of making the necessary changes to achieve the goal of meeting someone interesting.
  2. I want someone who loves me and accepts me as I am. This statement, like the previous one, keeps us from finding a partner and also goes against change understood as personal growth and constant improvement. Using the affirmation that concerns us places us in immobility, in the famous phrase of “I am like that and I will never change” of the well-known Alaska.

Neither love comes alone, neither by chance nor to accept us with many aspects to correct. Luckily, we have left behind those times when people, quite homogenized by the way, married in an agreed manner and without considering what they would contribute to each other. Luckily, nowadays relationships no longer have to be for life and, luckily, people enjoy a universal education that makes us more or less free, at least of thought, and we can choose how we want to be and what kind of people do we want to surround ourselves with. But even so, it is difficult for us to realize that if things do not go our way, we have to start by seeing what changes can bring us closer to our goals. In other words, if we do things in a certain way and we do not get what we want, we must review how we can improve, what we should do differently. And it is in the line of making this series of changes, that below we collect some brushstrokes that can serve for reflection:

  1. Check if you offer what you demand. We all want to have happy, constructive, communicative, empathic, flexible people by our side … And the question would be: Am I like that? Do I offer this to others? We also give importance to the physical, of course. But have we ever stopped to think that if we don’t like ourselves, we probably won’t like others either? It is very forceful but no less true. Acceptance of oneself does not go through resigning oneself to the changes that may occur to us (weight gain, hair loss …). Self-acceptance consists of taking care of our body so that, respecting its morphology, it is healthy, ready to enjoy; take care of it so that we like it and, by extension, our potential partner.
  2. Evaluate how you think. We are what we think but we can change what we think as many times as necessary until what we think brings us well-being. Well-being will be brought to us by those thoughts gestated from optimism, enthusiasm, illusion …, to the detriment of fear and mistrust.
  3. Are you generous enough? Love is generosity, altruism. So let’s start by giving. All seduction process is just that, a process. If we are attracted to a person it is much better to put our energy into seducing them than in checking if we have already seduced them. Sometimes we want to run too much, to know if the falling in love has occurred or not, to measure the degree of commitment of the other / a … What do we gain by doing this? Generally nothing. To remove the person who suddenly stops feeling seduced and starts to feel evaluated, put pressure … By this we do not mean that relationships have to be unequal, obviously. There comes a time when there must be a balance between what is given and what is received. A balance that is often not reached because they have not been generous enough from the beginning and our insecurities have already played their part…
  4. How do you experience “failures”? Americans understand failure as success, because they see it as a determined attempt to achieve a goal. In order to experience failures from this perspective, it is convenient that we demand ourselves to analyze where we have failed and that we propose to learn something new. Each relationship that ends, we must take it as an opportunity to learn and if we do so, we will be closer to the desired relationship. In other words, it is about not considering ourselves victims (“Why has it happened to me?”) And licking our wounds without making changes, quite the opposite.
  5. Do you know how to express / manage your emotions? Most conflicts, both internal and in relation to others, occur due to a lack of intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. We have all the existing knowledge at a “click” and we know a lot about procedures (how to do things) but we often fail in self-knowledge and social skills. If we become aware that we have deficiencies in this area, psychological help is more than recommended because no matter how much we know and know how to do, if we are not “we” we will not feel happy and if we do not feel happy we will not be able to attract positive, constructive relationships…

To finish, one last reflection: having a partner is like happiness: it should not be a destination but a path, as Gandhi said; but in any case a path in which the same stones are not always found, but in which we are planting flowers, as the poet Cora Coralina pointed out.

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