Decalogue for the success of the first date

We could say many things about Anaïs Nin, a Franco-American writer (1903-1977) and we would surely fall into many contradictions. Her love life was dizzying and while for some she may be a symbol of sexual liberation, for others she was a person with a sex addiction that was not experienced as such by Anaïs herself by legitimizing her from the “me” deeper into it. Be that as it may, Anaïs Nin has left us in her legacy a phrase that gives us a lot: “Things are not as they are, but as we are”. This “as we are”, although it has an essence that lasts a lifetime, it should not be immutable. People have to evolve, learn, transform ourselves … Any process of change can be a starting point for this personal evolution towards a better version of ourselves. Therefore, we could say that the success of a first date begins long before it takes place …

1) Know how I am and what I want
When we look for a partner, not just any person does well. Depending on the personal moment in which we are, we may be interested in a more or less stable relationship. This we must bear in mind ourselves, but also the person we are meeting must know. Defining our interests helps us not to choose badly, not to invest time in relationships that cannot provide us with what we need at all times. Ultimately, it is about knowing how we are and what we want in order to choose who we want by our side and for what … It seems very ambitious but it is not so ambitious. Sometimes it is enough to identify two or three essential aspects for us and open ourselves to knowing a person who can offer them to us. For example: a mountain lover, who wants to have children soon and who is open to living in a rural environment.

2) constructive thinking
Let’s place ourselves in the moment before the first date. We may have a lot, little or almost no information about the person we will meet. Be that as it may, a high mental activity is assured, making assumptions about how the person will be, how the appointment will go, how we can dress, how to act if we like it, if not … It is normal to have this internal debate, but pay attention to the tone of it. If our thinking is negative, pessimistic and catastrophic, we are conditioning ourselves that our first date is a disaster. On the contrary, if our thinking is positive and constructive, we will be approaching the appointment with a greater probability of success. It is not that we are deceiving ourselves, but that what we will project to the person will be more or less pleasant depending on our previous interior experience. Can you imagine what a disaster not to be able to seduce a person that we have found charming because from the outset we have transmitted some not very positive vibes, due to our negative thinking before the date? It can happen, because …

3) The first impression is generated during the first 30 seconds
From Blind Dates we always say it: “There are no two opportunities to create a good first impression” … So, try to arrive at the appointment having parked your fears and negative thoughts and projecting a good image and personal security.

4) Physical appearance is the gateway
We all know that what is truly important in people is inside but also that if there is no physical attraction we cannot speak of a loving partner but of friendship. Therefore, try to dress to make a good impression. Personal hygiene, clothing that corresponds to us and a fragrance appropriate to the occasion are enough. Avoid projecting what you are not. You can exploit your sensuality within your usual style.

5) Verbal and non-verbal language
Do not be obsessed with not leaving any space of time in silence. The looks, the smiles, a gesture of shyness, .. All these elements are also language; a very powerful language that, at times, seduces more than a few words well said. Pay attention to your gestures, body position, eye contact, and, if relevant, physical contact. When we speak of physical contact, we do not mean a sexual approach but rather those small interactions that we will or will not do depending on whether we perceive that they are well received. We are talking about contacts such as: accompanying the couple to pass with a light contact on the arm or waist, helping them to put on their jacket, touching their arm as a symbol of focusing attention and / or establishing proximity … Try not to put yourself defensively, neither with words nor with gesture. Don’t think bad. If a comment puzzles or bothers you, let the emotion pass and later ask calmly what is not clear to you. Your partner is not passing any exam, try to enjoy it and not feel questioned or judged.

6) The ice breaks between the two
Do not load your responsibility to break the ice on your own. The first moments can be filled by smiling, making comments about what the environment is like and how you have come to have that first date. Then you have to show interest towards the other person without falling into a police questioning… Remember to show yourself as you are but without falling into exaggeration, neither with words nor with gestures. Don’t let your nerves make you overreact…

7) Explosive combination: conversation, sense of humor and flirting …
A conversation is like a tennis match, the ball goes from one player to another without being too entertained, with a more or less regular rhythm. There are balls that go higher, others that touch the net, balls that go outside and have to be collected, balls that cannot cross to the other side of the field, balls that get lost … And in each of these interactions we can mix small doses of humor, smiles, drooping eyes and “emoticons” of all kinds. Flirting can be made space as the conversation progresses and trust is generated.

8) Forbidden topics (in depth)
As a general rule, one should not talk about former partners. Neither of the mother or father of the children, if any. It is a time to talk about the two of you and not about third parties. This does not mean that if we are asked a question we should refuse to answer it or that we have to get defensive, but it is advisable to give a short and closed answer and then elegantly change the subject. It is not advisable to touch life episodes marked by traumatic events on a first date. Neither is talking about politics, religion or football. At least in a heated way. They are areas in which emotion and reason debate each other and can lead us to undesirable tense situations on a first date.

9) Strengths and originality
Once the ice-breaking stage and the more general topics of knowledge have been passed, you have to try to awaken the interest of the other person. We can do it by sharing some particularity that makes us unique. We can talk about our solidarity, adventurous, self-taught side … Try not to become a monologue. Pay attention to the questions that the other person may ask you about it and do not forget to be interested in their contributions.

10) Enjoy the moment and … forget about your mobile!
For a date to go well requires concentration on the person and in the present moment. Looking at your mobile from time to time is, apart from disrespect, an element of distraction that will make you lose connection with the person in front of you. If you can not resist passing “the part” to a friend or friend you can escape to the bathroom for a little while. This coming and going will also be part of the appointment. Your partner will take the opportunity to get a general idea of ​​your physical appearance and way of walking.

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